So, as I was relaxing in the bathtub and reading a magazine, I started thinking about how my life looks right now--and I smiled. Even though I have my fair share of worry and stress, my life is pretty good. Sure, I'm working on many aspects of my life, but for the first time in awhile I have a bit of peace. I'm still "searching" for that ultimate peace, but I don't know if that will be forthcoming until I'm more okay with myself. Like all women, I seem to find flaws galore in myself...something I am working on.
Being raised in a very religious background created certain expectations of how happiness is supposed to feel, but I think there is no one definition of it. When I look back on my past, when I was very active in my church community, I did feel that I was happy--or what I perceived as happiness. Now, I wonder if it was more innocence and naivete than anything. I was very sheltered so of course I didn't know any better. Very much like Plato's "The Cave" where there are people happily living in a cave, not knowing that outside is a beautiful world to be had, simply because they never ventured to walk outside it for fear's sake. Great piece of literature, but I digress. (Here is a link to more info on this allegory....for those scholary individuals....http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_cave)
On several occasions I have tried to go back to that mentality---go to a few church meetings or an activity, but it all feels, not so much wrong, per Se, but rather not right for me. It's not that I won't believe what I was taught, but I can't.
After all I've already been through in my young age I know different truths.....different than I could have experienced if I stayed in that religious sect. I have also found that a lot of what I was raised with is true....but true even outside of that religion. Kind of like spiritual laws that, similar to laws of nature like gravity, are true regardless.....
It even breaks my heart in a way that how I was raised is not an option for me now. Some (uh...my family) would laugh and think it's because I refuse to give up sex and coffee. To that I chuckle. I have given up things that I thought I would DIE without....and if my eternal salvation rested on no longer having sex or not having my morning latte, surely, it would be worth it. However, that's not my truth---that is their truth. And, in moments of sadness and loneliness that past of mine which included my regular attendance to a certain church, has seemed appealing, in the hopes that it would ease my current pains.
But, as much as I would like to appease my worried family, I can't wrap my mind around a life that included "righteously" judging others, believing those that love someone in an "unnatural way" is wrong and bowing down to men simply because they have some "God-given" authority. Grant it, this religion has so many good sides to it, they do so much good in the world, but then again, so do many others.
I remember in college reading an article in the local college paper ( a religious college...I'm sure my friend's know which one I refer to) of a man struggling with homosexuality. He never "gave into it", did everything the church asked and probably tried harder than most to be a good man according to the church's teachings. The letter was so saddening, though, the turmoil he was suffering was almost palpable. A month later, in this same paper, his friend wrote in telling of this young man's suicide because he couldn't "overcome his trial". I remember how awful reading that was.....that a religion and it's judgment led a young man to this. So sad.
So, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps by filling my life with people that are "on the path" to higher spirituality and good Christians, is what will feel right to me. Again, I don't think any religion is "right" but rather that any religion that prompts you and the world to be better might have something to offer. Tomorrow, I plan on checking out a church on my campus that has a good sized young adult group. I think it might be a good place to meet friends who are interested in more than just partying on the weekend. Sadly, the majority of Denver's young adult crowd seems to fall in that category....and as I do not subscribe to that way of life I prefer to spend quaility time at home, but it would be great to share it with other like-minded individuals.
I guess I don't have a really good wrap-up to this except that I wanted to say what is in my heart. I find that I am constantly evolving my views, but some are definitely permanently in place, and that's letting -everyone "co-exist". Why can't we all not judge each other's choices? rather than thinking yours is the better one. Let's just agree that your choice is the best for you and vice versa. I think we can all agree on that.
I've had people tell me that perhaps my family has me in their lives in order to help them open up their views and opinions. If my life can do that, I will be happy, but I would much rather my family just love me for me despite my past and future choices. I know I am loved by them, of course, but I can't explain how it feels different now than it did when I was making the "right choices" in their opinion. C'est la vie, I suppose. But, I am grateful for my life, for the trials I've had, and of course the triumphs. I feel like big happiness is on it's way....and I will enjoy the journey to it...
Namaste. (Translation: "The spirit in me recognizes and greets the spirit in you").
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